DISCLAIMER: I do not own that picture by any means, I found it as a favorite on Pinterest. No idea of who the original Creator is.
Defeat, failure, rejection, and loss, all words that mean the same thing. Winners win and losers lose. At times, this simple fact tends to pose as the law of the universe. If you want to win then you must be a winner otherwise you are a loser, it is as simple as that. There are no exceptions, you either win or lose. Although, what if you can’t win? What if you constantly keep trying but victory always alludes you right at the last second? Maybe you were too slow, too weak, too dumb, or maybe you lost the moment you decided to play. Worse case, there was just someone better. “If you can’t win the game, if you can’t solve the puzzle, you’re nothing but a loser.” A wise and honest quote by Near. Then again, it has also been said, “Winner always believe there is a point while loser believe in ‘What’s the point?'” I wonder which one of those quote holds more weight. Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe I owe you an explanation of my very long hiatus. However, there is a proper order to these things. My name is X, Mr. X, and we will embark on a tale of one of my many adventures. I warn that this story may not be for the faint of heart, so without further ado, let us begin the story.
Like all good stories, it would be in our best interest to start from the beginning to how this particular incident got started. February 3rd, 2017, a normal day unlike any other. I was out and about normally. Though on this day a certain flyer caught my eye. “Build-a-bear workshop?” I said curiously while raising my eyebrow. It appeared to be an event trying to capitalize on Valentine’s day. The flyer had a picture of a stuffed Bear, Tiger, and Giraffe and the event was set to take place on February 8th. Immediately, I began to walk away as I thought nothing of the flyer. As I walked I couldn’t help but reminisce to myself the last time I took notice of a flyer for Valentine’s day. “What a crazy adventure that was,” I said to myself as I kept thinking back on the details of the case. Little did I know, I would be trusted into yet another crazy adventure…. No matter where I went I kept seeing the flyer over and over again. Eventually, it gave me a very peculiar idea as I saw it. During that weekend, I was hanging out with Major and while we were trying to ignore/avoid how my roommates at the time as they were hosting a drunken get-together. As I was walking and talking with Major, I noticed the Build-a-bear flyer again. Out of curiosity, I asked Major: “Yo Major, what do you make of that flyer?” Major looked at the direction I pointed and stared at the paper and responded with, “Yeah, I heard about this event. I’m going to try and get a stuffed Tiger.”
“You think that would make a good gift?” I asked randomly
“Huh? I guess…”
“Out of curiosity, which one of those three things would you give to a girl?” Major stayed silent at my question for a moment, then proceeded.
“Me personally I think the tiger is awesome, but if it’s a girl I would say a classic stuffed bear is always good.”
“Hmm sounds typical, but that makes sense,” I said in agreement.
“Though if you give it to Usagi, I doubt that would be something only a friend would do. ~” Major said teasing me in a typical fashion. I shot Major a glare which caused him to laugh and say, “Oh come on, X. Usagi is the main girl you hang out with and talk about. It was obvious that you’re planning to get her something to celebrate the holiday.”
I didn’t bother to argue as it was obvious. However, I was slightly annoyed because, “…I don’t plan on giving it to her as a friend.” I said a tad nervously.
Major looked at me and gave me a good pat on the back saying, “So you’re finally going confess huh?” I responded in silence but the answer was clear. After hanging around with that pesky rabbit for over a year, I had grown a bit too fond of her to the point that I wanted to bang my head against the wall.
Major and I began to shuffle ideas back and forth with each other for the best chance of success in my endeavor to capture Usagi. However, in the midst of collecting ideas and such, we were stuck on one thing. “WHICH STUFFED ANIMAL SHOULD I GIVE HER?!” The thing is even though Major told me a classic Teddy Bear would be best, we began to second guess that option as the idea was a bit too generic…and Usagi has been hit on before. So, I was afraid that what I was attempting to do was already done. No matter how hard we tried Major and I lacked a female’s perspective. In order to combat that, I decided to run a survey asking as many girls as possible, which stuffed animal would they prefer, Giraffe, Bear or Tiger. Major and I ran around all over the place asking any girl we could track down. From the girls in my apartment to the café area, gym, and Theater department. Hell, we even went to the mall for further information. I asked any girl I could get a hold of, I was determined to get as much data as possible. After a while of running around like maniacs, I decided to sit down and compile the results. The results were a little shocking and were as followed: 6 votes for Tiger, 12 votes for Bear, and 15 votes for Giraffe (there were, even more, votes for Giraffe after I closed the survey). It was an overwhelming victory for Giraffes, which left both Major and I completely baffled at the results. We mainly tried to target single girls with the survey and questions. We knew Tiger would be the lowest as that is to be expected since it mostly attracted guys than girls. When we tried to inquire why some girls preferred Giraffes than the others, we were treated to this response, “I don’t know, I think it’s cause they have long necks.” Major nearly died laughing at that response while I was still at a loss for words.
“Ok, we know what stuffed animal I’m going to get Usagi,” I said a bit cheerfully.
“Now that you got gift down, how will you declare your feelings?” Major asked.
I stopped in place completely frozen at Major’s question. That’s right, I still have to tell her…
I had almost forgotten the whole point getting this gift. “Uh, I have no idea…,” I said nervously.
“Are you serious?” Major asked. Without getting into too much detail Major realized early on in our friendship I have a hard time saying certain things. I tend to be more of “actions speak louder than words” at least in this instance. Crap, as much as I hate to use the same trick twice… I had an idea which I ran by Major, basically, the idea had myself repeating a certain incident. To give a brief mention, I wrote a poem for a girl during my high school years and thought it would a good idea to replicate that event. Major hearing out my idea thought it “was crazy enough to work”. For the next two days, in between classes, I spent time trying to create the best romantic poem I am capable of. I was sure to have my Brother proof read it for me after showing a bit of concern of repeating an old strategy of mine. Because “it worked so well the last time.” All while making sure Usagi suspected nothing. The day before the event, I was talking to Major about the whole idea. Originally, I planned to give Usagi the Giraffe along with the poem. However, I decided it would be better to save the poem, I thought it would be better to give that to her on Valentine’s day. I asked Major, “What do you think are my odds of success?” Major thought for a moment and said, “It’s hard to say, things should turn out in your favor….but..” Major didn’t have to say it, we both knew without having to say it and that fact was, USAGI IS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO PREDICT!! That girl has a habit of betraying expectations and never following the normal routes set out, nothing is ever simple with her. There is always something more behind the scenes. In all my stories involving her, it was never cut and dry or simple. There was always something extra that I either overlooked or didn’t expect. I knew this all too well, but I came so far. Turning back at that point would’ve been absolutely pointless and insult to the work put in. With a nervous laugh, I tried looking forward to what came next.
February 8, 2017
Day of Build-a-Bear event
I had an early morning class so I immediately jumped up out of bed getting ready. My first class, I shared with Usagi and after we would hang out like usual till our next class. However, this time I would have to ditch her so I can make it to the event and get the animal. Or so I thought until I got texted from Usagi saying she was going to skip class due to studying for a test in another class. This worked for me as I would be able to wander around as I please after class. So, with a simple text back wishing her luck I proceeded with my day. After class, I had a bit of time to kill. It was 10 AM and the event did not start till 11 and was supposed to end at 3. So, I decided to wander around in the building the event was being held. I manage to kill a half hour but was still bored of waiting. In the corner of my eye I saw people starting to set up for the event and as they did I noticed a long line people beginning to form at the table. The line was huge and I looked at my watch and it was just a little over 10:40. Why are people lining up now? Apparently, the began to begin the event 20 minutes earlier than scheduled. Without wasting much time, I quickly got my place in line. Ok, not too bad, even started off earlier than expected this still works out for me, or so I thought. After a while of waiting, I noticed something important. I saw a stuffed penguin. Huh? The I saw a stuffed lion along with people getting their stuffed animals that were not the ones advertised in the flyer. I may have a problem…
See this is where things started to fall apart. The issue I had was that since there was confirmation that the event had more options than the Tiger, Bear, and Giraffe. I slowly began to think that, The survey is obsolete. The reason for my train of thought is because I only gave the people I asked those three options to choose from. For some reason, I stupidly thought there would only be three animals to choose from. After a while of the line going at an extremely slow pace, I decided to go along with the survey’s results regardless of the extra options. Especially, since I saw several girls walking away with their Giraffes… However, that soon became a problem as I heard, “WE’RE ALL OUT OF GIRAFFES!!” HUH?! My eyes darted to the last girl walking away with the last Giraffe, which caused my thoughts to go into a panic. THIS IS NOT GOING ACCORDING TO PLAN!!! So basically, the main animal I was after had just gone out of stock and I was upset. I quickly decided to go with the second best option being the teddy bear, but as I got closer to the booth in the line I heard, “NO MORE TEDDY BEARS!!”. This was not good all of the good picks were getting taken. As the line progressed, I thought of getting a stuffed Rabbit for Usagi as I could make it into a joke. However, sure enough, the closer I got, “NO MORE RABB-““OH C’MON!!” I yelled interrupting. I was beside myself, feeling frustrated at these terrible turns of events. Only positive news at the time was the fact I was 3 people away from the table to get what I had come for. As I realized this, I began to enter deep in thought as to what Usagi might like. Reminiscing over my past dealings with her and looking at the options left. As I thought, I noticed there was one last stuffed husky dog left. That could work! Having a eureka moment I remembered that Usagi loved dogs…a lot. It was to the point she even told me that she would probably date a guy that had a pet dog. In addition to the point, she would like to tease/annoy me that she would date her own dog. With that thought in mind, my attention was set on getting the Huskey. As the line moved closer and closer, I crossed my fingers hoping no one would take what I had my eye on. There was a girl standing in front of me, who I kept an eye on. As I was I kept my eyes on the husky, I kept telling myself, don’t you dare!! As I got to the table, my eyes darted to the husky and as I extended my hands to get it, the girl in front of grabbed without a second thought. You can probably imagine the frustration that I felt at that time… FUUUUUUU- I was very not happy by those turn of events. As I tried to rethink, I immediately to a look at the leftover stuffed animals. Because I was in the line for so long, I was left with the runts of the litter to choose from. “Tch, damn it!!!” with that being said I grabbed the next best thing I could think of. Using the same mindset, I ended up getting stuffed Dog, except this wasn’t a Husky. While it was “brand new” is was a bit raggedy and had a lot of fur that covered one eye, so the dog looked partially blind and that was after I stuffed it. I didn’t have time to be upset at the results, truth be told despite the early release of the event I was still set back and a whole 30 minutes late to class. So, without thinking much of it, I stuffed the dog (no pun intended) in my book bag and ran to class.
After class, I was exhausted and the day was still early at 12 o’clock. This is probably the most I have done for a conquest. While I was wondering if Keima Katsuragi always felt this exhausted after setting up potential parameters, I was trudging back to the club room in hopes to meet up with Major. Unfortunately, Major wasn’t there but there were some other people there.
“What’s up, X?” the club members greeted me.
“Nothing much…” I responded in a monotone of voice
They asked me if something happened, and I told them the hell I went through at the Build-a-Bear event. I then took out the Dog from my book bag and showed them.
“So, what do you think?” I asked a bit timidly.
There was a bit of shared silence between the club members, almost as if there were trying to find something nice to say. After a while, the only girl at the time said, “Doesn’t look too bad, looks pretty fine to me.” I couldn’t tell whether or not it was forced, but my brain was already trying to think of ways to spruce this thing up. The presentation was key in this situation. So, in the midst of my thinking, I asked, “Can anyone make a present bow?” Luckily for me, the girl praising my efforts was able to make one to hopefully spruce the toy up. Meanwhile, I had asked for any advice to presenting the item to the girl. One of the members said to me, “Before you do all that are you even sure this girl likes you in return?” This rang a bell in my head as it got me thinking. I responded to them saying, “I’m mostly doing this cause I was bored.” However, the words still rang in my head. Meanwhile, the girl fixing up the bow finished and to the girl’s credit, she did do her best, it was just the toy was a piece of work. With the presentation set, all I had to do now was set up phase 2. Phase 2 had me sending a text to Usagi imploring her that it is very important that I see her after her test because I needed her help with something. Obviously, I made up a ploy to get Usagi to stay after her classes were over before going home since she commuted at the time. With that, I went to the library in hopes of meeting up with Major to iron out a few more details.
In the library, I met up with Major as he was on a computer getting some work done. As he was working I began to tell him the hell I went through to get the stuffed animal. Major was a little upset as he was unable to get the tiger that he wanted. Fun Fact: The Build-A-Bear event was supposed to last from 11 to 3. Turns out the whole event was cleaned out by 11:30, so anyone that thought that they could wait till later to get a stuffed animal (like I almost did) were completely out of luck. Luckily for others, the event was going to set up shop at a different location on the same day. More importantly, I showed Major how my “gift” looked. After giving it a good once over, Major gave his iconic phrase “good enough” as a seal of approval. So, we decided to talk about how to present the gift to Usagi. Though, in the midst of our conversation, I looked outside the library window and saw a specific girl walking in the library. WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE!? Noticing the horrific look on my face, Major follows my gaze and also looks outside the window. Without saying too much I quickly told Major, “Major, I need to take my leave immediately.” “Yeah, hurry up and get out of here,” Major said in haste. I retreated to the upper floors of the library. To explain what happened during my exchange with Major, I saw Usagi entering the library and I was still unprepared for dealing with her. Why is she here so soon? As I was trying to hide while figuring out her sudden appearance, I received a text for Usagi asking me, “ok I’m done, where are you?”. I was confused so I asked what she meant. Apparently, her test was during her second class, not her last class. So, she got out early after finishing her class and went to the library to eat and relax before her next class. I made a grave miscalculation predicting the time she would take her test and the wording of my text. I should have told her I needed her help after her classes were done. Usagi kept texting me, asking where I was and what I needed from her. So, I did what I had too, I lied. I told her I was busy solving a case somewhere else and that I would get back to her after her last class. At first, she declined thinking my request had something to do with solving the case I was on. I took Major’s advice and became very whiny and needy at the moment to convince her to stay after her class, she eventually agreed. While I managed to solve one problem, I still needed to either escape the library without being seen or wait until Usagi leaves for her next class. How do get myself into these messes?
So, after a while of playing cat and mouse or in this case, Fox and the Hare (look it up). I managed to leave the library in order to think about how to approach the whole situation. As I was thinking, the words I heard before were reverberating in my head. Are you even sure this girl likes you in return? The words felt like they were clawing at the edge of my skull. The truth of the matter was, I had no real idea to the answer of that question. Soon I decided to shake off the ridiculous jitters and second thoughts I had been feeling. “We came this far I must see it through!”, I said to myself. After a couple of hours that went by it was nearly time for Usagi to get out of her class. I decided to meet up with Major one final time to get me psyched for this. Major was sitting at the same spot I left him before. We exchanged a brief greeting discussing how I managed to escape without being seen. As the short conversation went on, I asked Major again, “What are the odds of this idea succeeding?” Major looked up from his screen and pondered in thought then he spoke, “Again, you should succeed in this endeavor, provided no unexpected hiccups happen.” With that last bit of advice, I glanced at my watch and noticed it was soon time. With a deep breath, I left Major as he wished me, “Good Luck”. Off I was to that pesky Rabbit.
Meeting up with Usagi, boy this was nerve racking. I was walking around mindlessly outside. While I hear, “Hey, X!” I turn around and it’s Usagi just coming out of class. “What up, Usagi?” I said we began to amble and talk as she played PokémonGO. A game she is absolutely obsessed with. I asked her how her test was and we went on about typical things we talk about. Then Usagi asked, “What do you need my help with?” A bit caught off guard, I reached into my book bag. “You mind taking this off my hands?” I said as I presented the gift to her. *SIGH~* So what do you think is Usagi’s immediate response? Is it a flat-out rejection showing a face of disgust? Or, did Usagi gratefully take said gift with a thank you. Well, both answers are incorrect, the correct answer is, “PFFT” she laughed hysterically. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
This is not the response I expected… As I tried to make sense of what was unfolding in front of me, I felt people walking by staring but pretending to ignore. When Usagi finally calmed down, I tried to keep calm as well.
“Oi, here just take it”, I said to her.
Her eyes looked surprised as she asked, “Are you serious?”
“Well duh,” I said this while still extending my hand with the stuffed dog.
Usagi’s face immediately became embarrassed and turned around saying, “I’m not accepting it.”
“HUH!?” As I had a surprised a surprised expression, I began chasing after her. After all I went through to get that stuffed animal, there was no way I was letting her get away so easily.
I chased Usagi in the library, when I finally caught up with her I asked her,
“What was that all about?”
“It’s your fault, you tried giving that to me in public”
“Yeah, if people see me excepting that, they might get the wrong idea.”
As she uttered these words, I was tongue tied, completely speech less. As I was dazed and confused, Usagi was looking for a computer and outlet to charge her phone. I finally came to my senses and decided to speak.
“So, let get this straight, you’re not taking this thing from me because people were looking?”
“You do realize most of them were busy with themselves and didn’t pay much attention to us?”
“Still, no it was in public.”
“By the way, what did you get?”
I showed her the stuffed dog with the make shift bow around its neck.
“It looks weird”, Usagi said instantly
“You want it or not?” I asked in a neutral tone.
“Nah, looks too weird, you keep it.”
I felt my frustration and irritation boiling. The entire time the words FAILURE! kept echoing in my head. It should be painfully obvious at this point that even if I wanted to this was not the most ideal setting for a confession. I had no doubt in my mind that it would result in an epic FAILURE!!! I was a fool for expecting this to work… After feeling like a complete failure and waste of time, left Usagi for a moment to go see Major, who was still in the library as well. As I walked up to Major, he took notice of my expression of complete defeat. “What’s wrong?” Major asked, concerned. So, I told him the complete debacle that had happened just a few minutes ago. Immediately, Major’s expression became both confused and aggravated.
“Does she have any idea what you went through to get the thing for her?” Major asked.
“I don’t think it matters…, this operation was a complete bust.” I said exasperatedly.
I had no more moves are cards I could play in that predicament. Yes, I still had the poem, but that I was saving for Valentine’s day itself and considering my current circumstance at the time. That was also looking unlikely to happen as well. As soon as I finished my brief report to Major, I begrudgingly returned to Usagi (mainly because I left my bookbag with her).
After a while of feeling low, Usagi realized my expression wasn’t like it usually was. So, with a sigh~ “Is it really that important I accept your gift?” She said.
“I mean, I only went through hell to get you this stupid thing that’s all.” I said Sarcastically.
“Fine, I’ll take it.” Usagi said reluctantly.
I took the stuffed dog out a handed it to her.
“Why are you trying to give it to me in public again?” She said turning her eyes away from me.
“Excuse me?” I said trying to remain calm and followed up with.
“No one is even paying attention us, people are too busy talking and/or doing work.”
Despite being in a library, the first floor was pretty lively and no one was really paying attention to us. However, “Don’t care, I’ll take it when we’re alone.”
STOP FUCKING MESSING WITH ME, EITHER TAKE THE SHITTY TOY OR NOT AND QUIT WASTING MY TIME!!! It was what I wanted to say, but I maintained my composure and responded with a simple “OK”. After Usagi’s phone charged, we went to her car to get food and then go Pokémon GO Hunting. When we made it to the parking garage, we were 100% alone. I made sure to check so she would have absolutely no excuse.
So, I spoke, “Oi, Rabbit, wanna take this stupid thing now?”
This girl had the nerve to look at me then say, “Should I really take it tho?”
MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND AND STOP PLAYING GAMES ALREADY!!!
I was starting to get really annoyed by her wishy-washy attitude. She then asked me, “X, why did you get that stuffed animal for me?” She asks me in a way that made her look very flustered which almost made my anger disappear. “N-no reason, I was bored and I thought you might like it.” I said while trying to hide my own embarrassment.
“But you were holding onto all this time, I might not want it, might be dirty by now.” Usagi said this and then a brief moment of silence went by. The moment of reprieve I felt just moments ago disappeared as if they never existed. I took a deep breath, then said and the kindest tone I could have managed, “ARE YOU GONNA TAKE THIS STUPID THING OR NOT!?” I was fed up at this point. “Sheesh, you’re so aggressive…” Usagi said with a sigh.
“For the love of…, are you gonna take this stupid thing or not?” I said annoyed
“You know you calling it stupid makes me not want to take it.”
“Fine, are you gonna take this thing or not?”
“What am I going to do with it if I take it?”
“Jesus, fine just give it to your younger sister, say it’s a gift from me.”
“No, if you want to give it to them do it yourself.”
“OMG, great now I’m stuck with this thing.”
“Why not give it to your mom?”
Disclaimer: The following was a reflection of how mad I was at the time and not to be taken seriously and not something I would actually do…to her. I GOING TO STRANGLE YOU!!!
I was reaching my breaking point. In the end, I chose to drop the subject I was getting beyond nowhere. Usagi was driving, while I was trying to forget the entire matter of just transpired. Usagi said, tried to goad me into talking saying, “You know you can talk, right?” but I was in a no talking mood.
Growing tired of silence, Usagi asked me, “Why is it important that I accept your gift?”
“Doesn’t matter, not important.” Was my immediate response.
“What does it mean if I accept your gift?” Usagi asked.
I thought the question was strange but just said, “What do you mean?”
“I mean what supposed to happen after I accept your gift?”
Personally, outside the letter, I didn’t really think that far, but what was peculiar to me was the way she was asking me. Her questions felt distant like she was trying not to pay direct attention to me. Something doesn’t feel right, was my immediate thought. I soon ignored it and said “Nothing” while writing off my suspicion that she was just concentrating on driving while playing PokémonGo. Fun Fact: Rabbit has a bad habit of messing with her phone while driving which sometimes really scares me.
After our round-trip ride all over the place Pokémon hunting, Usagi and I decided to get something eat. While eating Usagi felt the need to bring up the stuffed animal again. “So, X why is it important that I accept your gift?” Usagi said. “You mean why I got a gift for a female friend of mine? Geez, who can say?” I decided to respond with sarcasm as I was getting fed up of the topic. She continued to try a push for answers.
During her questioning, I told plainly, “If you’re not going to take the stupid thing stop bothering me about it”. She paused, and then said, “There you go calling it stupid again, no wonder I don’t want it”.
“Whatever”, I said plainly. I was tired of being angry so I just tried to accept things as they are and stop fighting. I assume she thought I was extremely sad.
“Fine, I’ll take it.” She said.
“You, don’t have to if you don’t want it.” I rejected. The reason being that I hate being pitied. I’m perfectly fine with being rejected, considering I’ve been through it multiple times, making this no different. Secondly, I do not force myself on other people. I’m fully aware of how much of a pain and annoyance I can be to people. Therefore, when I realize how people tend not to like me, I try to distance myself as I have better things to do than trying to earn their favor. The words FAILURE was still echoing in my brain.
“No No, I’ll take it this time.” Usagi said. I responded with an “OK” as I was not fully convinced. Fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice? No way, I wasn’t going to let that happen. We go back to Usagi’s car and she starts going nuts with PokémonGO. What is this girl, a 10-year-old? At this point, I began to think that I was with a child. After a while of dealing Usagi’s antics, we eventually settle down in her car. True enough, the topic of the dog was once again brought up. “So, you’re taking the dog, right?” I asked. There was a long silence from Usagi as she was looking at her phone. I already realized where this was going so I proceeded with the count down. 3…,2…,1… “You said I don’t have to take, right?” Usagi asked. I never facepalmed myself so damn hard in my entire life. “Ok, it’s not that hard Rabbit, either take it or don’t. Why are you so back and forth on this?” I asked. “Because you seem so sad and I kinda feel bad.” Usagi said nervously. I narrowed my eyes in thought, something smells foul here. “If that’s the case then take it.” I said plainly. “But I don’t even hang on to stuff animals.” Ok, let me explain how much BS is in Usagi’s argument. Fun Fact: In the back of Usagi’s car there is a whole bunch of stuff animals ranging from a Mario Goomba, Pikachu toy etc. As a matter of fact, the main reason I thought the idea of the stuffed dog would work was because I saw all those stuffed toys in the first place. Realizing, Usagi was blatantly lying to my face, without saying a word to her, I merely turned around to look at the back of the car. Noticing what I was staring at, Usagi said frantically, “No those things are a different case.” I looked at her with hollow eyes, she is blatantly lying, something is not right here. As I tried to piece together the reason for the deception I asked her plainly, “You want to try lying to me again now? Or are you ready to give up?” “Fine, I’ll take your gift on Friday then sheesh. You can probably imagine how I had no faith in those words at all. Long story short, Usagi dropped my off at my apartment and went to my room to sulk. For those who have been reading my content for a while should know for a fact that this definitely not the end
February 10th, 2017
Ok, so after what had happened on Wednesday, I was extremely upset. However, after the days went by and I did some reflecting. I began to think this whole ordeal was probably my fault for appearing to force something onto a girl. So, with that in mind, I cleared my head and was completely over the matter. That and I was still operating under the assumption this will be blown over later on Friday. SPOILERS: THAT WAS A BIG FUCKING MISTAKE!! So, Usagi and I texted each other to grab a bite to eat on Friday. She agreed so I got ready to meet up with her. I didn’t bring the stuffed Dog collecting dust in my room as I heard it would have been dead weight. Which was a good call on my part. So, I ended up waiting for Usagi as she drove from her class. When she finally arrived, we exchanged a brief greeting and walked to order food. I ordered an Italian sub, extra Spicy. When we got our food and sat down to eat we were talking about a variety of topics. Though, eventually, the conversation went dry. It was partially my fault for not saying much, but that was because something was gnawing at the back of my skull. Fun Fact: As Sherlock Holmes enthusiast and a Detective for a hobby, I notice when there is a big piece to a puzzle missing. So many things were rummaging through my head: Do I bring up the stuffed animal? Why did Usagi lie and acted so backward? Do I even bother confessing? So many thoughts were rummaging through my brain. One thing I knew for certain and that was the fact I couldn’t ignore these gaping plot holes. So, after a moment of silence, I gritted my teeth and asked.
“So, Usagi are you going to take that stuff Dog now? It’s perfectly fine if you don’t want it. I was just wondering.” I said. Usagi looked at me with thought and said,
“Why did you get that for me?”
“Ok, so that’s a no, got it.”
“But seriously why?”
“Why is that so important?”
Usagi looked at me and answered, “It’s because you got me a dog, know fully well how much I love dogs and you had the makeshift bow on it. It seemed like a well thought out gift, but… why for me?”
“Why do you think?” I asked.
“I’m asking you…”
This wasn’t an ideal situation even if I wanted to tell the truth, I had nothing. I had no doubt, that a confession was not an option… In all honesty, I just was never good at revealing hidden intentions on feelings or any of that nonsense. I mainly kept to myself and chose not to deal with those kinds of emotions. Mainly due to past failures, I won’t get into. However, that kind of mindset couldn’t continue and I knew that so, I told the truth, sort of.
“I felt like getting you something was kinda bored, so thought it might be a good idea….”
Usagi stared at me with a peculiar gaze. Then she had a mocking grin as she said.
“Did you do it because you like me~? Oh, that’s so adorable!!!” Usagi said this while laughing.
I glanced at the window across from me, “Obviously” That one word was enough to stop Usagi’s laughter. She looked at me saying, “Seriously?” I kept staring at the window not responding. In that instance, Usagi’s cheerful demeanor disappeared. This is when I became concerned, what’s wrong here? My instincts were flaring up. I had no idea why but I had a terrible feeling.
“That’s a problem…” Usagi said.
I quickly noticed her face looked the same way on Wednesday, vague, distant, with a confusing look. So, I asked, “Why is it that a problem?” Is this the missing piece? Usagi said with little hesitation, “I’m talking to someone right now.”
Talking to someone right now…
Talking to someone…
As my brain tried to understand what I just heard, the only thing I can hear is
GAME OVER!! My eyes felt hollowed out, it was as if time had slowed down to a halt for me. I had so many questions, but the words failed me and refused to come out. Like “when did that happen?” “How come you did say so earlier?” I had multiple questions. However, I could not speak, I was muted stuck in my head. I really am the Fox, aren’t I?
“Are you sad?” Usagi asked, snapping me out of my daze.
I’m perfectly fine!
“Are you ok?” Usagi waved her hand.
No, but that no longer matters.
At this moment, I realized I wasn’t actually speaking. Eventually, I told her I was fine. However, the conversation was completely one-sided. I merely gave her one worded answers no longer caring. My gaze was fixated on the window staring at the clouds, not even glancing at her. When it was finally time for Usagi to leave. Normally, I would walk her to her car, but I merely waved to her as she left. The last thing she said to me was, “Are you sad?” I turned around to face Usagi with my usual smile saying, “Why would I be sad? I’m perfectly fine.” And with that, I began to walk to my apartment. As walked my thoughts screamed at me, LAUGH, LAUGH, LAUGH LAUGH, JUST LAUGH!! “pfftshishishishiHAHAHAHAHAH!!” I did what I usually do… I laughed. “Now it all makes sense, sheesh Once again, I just couldn’t win”, I said to myself as I walked. I lost there was absolutely nothing I could’ve done, this was a complete defeat. I didn’t run from it rather I just laughed at it. I’ve always lost when it came to romance and such. There was nothing I could’ve done; the game was over. No more moves to play, I was checkmated and I hated myself for it. I broke the one rule I set for myself when dealing with this girl and I got what I deserved. So, I had no choice but to accept my loss. When I got to my room, I looked in the mirror and tried to keep laughing but soon noticed my eyes weren’t laughing. I went out to the balcony and looked at the sky as if trying to find answers. Once again, I still couldn’t change anything.
So, that happened, I told both Major and Knucklehead about the whole situation. There were not very pleased about it. I’ll try to summarize what they both said as best I can. Basically, Major thought it was best to be done with the whole matter and move one, which I agreed. However, Major mentioned that there might be a way to change her mind or find a way to steal Usagi away. Though in all honesty, I was completely done and had no more energy left to expend on this matter. I just wanted to put the matter behind me and ignore it. I basically told Major that, “You’d be insane to ask me to keep going after that.” In all honesty, it wasn’t just the whole issue with the stuffed animal bothering me. It was the fact this whole mess from when it started from the very beginning could’ve been entirely avoided and I felt like this was a gigantic waste of time. When I brought up the issue of the poem Major and I agreed that it was probably best to probably burn all traces of it. It helped Major get over a break-up. However, this was a stark contrast to what Knucklehead told me. After I explained the whole situation to him he merely said, “If you really care just tell her.” I thought he was insane as there was no point in doing so and only proved to make me look like that much more of a bigger fool. However, Knucklehead insisted that if I ever truly cared, I should at least declare whatever feelings clearly. The weekend went by and I was torn, as I was ignoring Usagi’s text and trying to clear my head of this nonsense. Then Monday came.
February 13th, 2017
Fitting that this happened on the thirteenth, the day before Valentine’s Day. So far, the day turned out to be a decent day for me as two of my classes canceled on me, allowing me to stay in bed longer and not see Usagi in class. After a while in the late hours, I made a decision, I printed out copies of the poem I wrote. With the help of Major later he helped me burn into the winter night. Before we did so, Major wanted to read what I wrote as he never read it before and curious what I put into it. With one glance and a surprised look on his face he merely said, “wow”. Thus, leading me to light the paper on fire as the night wind blew the paper out of my hand while still burning in the night air. Supposedly ending this long drawn out game. So, then why was it that I was waiting at a specific classroom building near 8pm? I never told Major this part, but I actually printed two copies of the poem. One to burn and the other… The one thing I’ve learned about myself is that I hate half assed endings. Were the ending being incomplete with loose ends and unanswered questions. I really worked hard on that poem and thought it would be a miserable waste to not try and use it. So, I cheated and chose both Major and Knucklehead’s options. Though what really made me go along with my brother’s idea was when he told me, “The story is not over yet!” I didn’t really get it but my own sense of completion was driving me to do this. To be clear, I didn’t stake out this classroom building to necessarily confess to Usagi, but to give a farewell gift. In the end, I really am a stubborn idiot. Noticing it was taking forever Usagi to come out, I went inside to see what was up and true to form she was busy playing PokémonGO. “Oh, hi X!” Usagi said while waving her hand. We ended up talking all while feeling annoyed. The reason being is that Usagi has such an easy going attitude (on the surface), so much that is can literally make you feel stupid when you worry about something. All while she acts nonchalant, appearing not to care. Thus, you will look ridiculous about taking her seriously. My intention was to get in the get out, give her the poem then leave. However, at this point, I expect things not to go as plan. They hardly ever do with her. Usagi ended up getting a phone call talking to a friend of hers. The conversation lasted for a while. All while I was spacing out. As Usagi’s conversation was going on, I got a few second thoughts about this whole idea. However, that soon dispelled the thought as Usagi ended her phone conversation.
“Why are you here X?” Usagi asked.
“Here” with a single motion with my hand, I took out the folded-up poem and presented it to Usagi.
“Something that I wrote before you told me that.”
“So, this is a love letter?” Usagi sounded surprised.
“Correct, I’m only giving you because I thought it would be a waste not to. I don’t care what you do with it, burn it, rip it up, throw it out, or keep it. I don’t care.” I said callously.
“Oh, I’ll keep it.” As she said that, Usagi opened the poem to read it. I began to feel a bit nervous as I did not expect her to read it in front of me. To be honest, no one had really read my work in front of me and I felt a tad bit concerned. Once Usagi realized the nature of the letter, she merely said, “I’ll read it later.” Which made me let out a sigh of relief. As we were about to part ways, Usagi asked why I came all this way just to give her the poem.
I adjusted my face, “I mainly did this to tie up this loose end. Now, I can disappear.” “Disappear?” Usagi sounded concerned.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to kill myself so don’t call the cops and overreact like last time.” I proceeded to walk away, until Usagi asked, “Are we no longer friends?”
I stopped in my tracks then turned my head saying, “You ask a lot of stupid questions.” With that, I proceeded to walk in my direction while Usagi walked in hers. As I walked I turned around watching her walk away. The last remaining thought I had as I watched her leave,
Bye Bye, Usagi.
To Be Continued, In the next entry…. Part 2